bloody hell!
musings on 4 years of my longest term relationship
it’s been four years now since i inadvertently found out i have diabetes, and boy time flies when you’re having fun! i also found out two days before COVID lockdown, so the thought of that being four years ago is also pretty wild! this post is a more of a digression - my mission statement for this substack was all about having FUN as a diabetic (i am, i swear), but as this anniversary date comes up, I needed to talk a little less about my eating/drinking/traveling and have a little vulnerable vent session…
i’ve recently started the process of short term insulin (shout out to Humalog) and with it, my usual attitude towards how my diabetes has been making me feel a less margaritaville and more bummerville. i feel extra sensitive lately about my limitations with food and have felt more cognisant about what makes me different. the past four years have been HARD. diabetes SUCKS. i’m exhausted and tired of having to constantly think about it 24/7 and make 19483843 more decisions every day than i used to have to. i fantasize a lot lately about getting TWO slices of pizza and sitting on a park bench and eating them and not having to think anything about it afterwards. i find myself walking around the grocery store and looking at all the things i can no longer eat. i miss being normal and remembering what that even feels like as the memory of life before this starts to slip away.
i haven’t gotten into the specifics on here before, but i was diagnosed with type 1.5 diabetes, which makes me realize i really fumbled on the name for this blog, but type 1.5 just really doesn’t roll off the tongue, ya know? known as LADA, it’s sort of a weird limbo between type 1 (genetic and generally diagnosed in childhood) and type 2 (typically due to lifestyle choices later in life). this means my pancreas is still technically able to produce insulin, but i am currently in what is a “honeymoon period” (no beachside hotel suite with rose petals included). eventually that ability to produce insulin will fade away, but no one knows when that will happen or how quickly. this also means that as soon as i have gotten comfortable with my care routine, i then have to add something new or different to the mix to keep things under control. eventually, in the foreseeable future i will just be on an insulin pump. the thought of being reliant on any drugs or medication for your survival is an alien feeling. i want to be able to control the situation – if i just work out MORE or eat carbs LESS or do THIS, it can all be under control.
being backstabbed by your own body is a total mindfuck. intrusive thoughts pop up all the time like “how would i survive in a zombie apocalypse?” (answer: i don’t want to live in a world sans dining out, so just shoot me in the head!). i hate the way it affects my family and my friends and my boyfriend. no one in my life makes me feel ashamed, but you can’t help but feel that way. there is a certain humbling cognitive dissonance that happens when you feel like a healthy normal person but suddenly your blood sugar is low because your seamless delivery is late and you’re scrambling for your glucose tablets.
this post is not meant to be a pity party - anyone in this situation has felt all of these things before, and this essay from Catherine Price is a perfectly worded summation of how things feel lately. but at the end of the day, i recognize there is so much with my health to be thankful for. in fact, my diabetes has taught me so many other amazing things about myself - things that have helped me mature in ways I don’t know I would have otherwise. it’s a bit hard to detangle sometimes what is due to my diagnosis, to covid, to plain old growing up, or maybe a supersize me combo of all three!
i’ve learned how to cook for myself – a big step for anyone who knew me pre-2020. a time when i made cornbread so bad my friend almost choked to death from the dryness! cooking has become a source of immense enjoyment. it’s not just taking my health into my own hands, it’s an act of loving myself and those around me. i love myself because i made this to put in my body and nourish me. it’s now the ultimate way i show how much i love you and how i can love me too. it’s a part of myself i am excited to share more of on here!
i’ve also learned how to advocate for myself in much stronger ways – i know my limits and am not afraid to tap out when i have reached them. i know when to say no, and that no is a complete sentence. when i don’t feel good, i listen more closely, and when i DO feel good, i work to appreciate it more.
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i’m also so grateful to be going through this in a time where this is not a death sentence, and where technology is improving all the time. it gives me a lot of hope in a shitty situation. i am lucky to have access to the best technology, like a CGM monitor which will be able to communicate with a tubeless insulin pump when the time comes for that. while the constant access to my glucose levels can add a lot of stress with the awareness, it's also such a game changer in providing me with relief. Apple has also announced that they are working on glucose monitoring via Apple Watch that would not require insertion of any needle, and Samsung is gunning to beat them!
all of this to say – there is room for optimism. the silver linings keep me grounded and make all of this just a little bit easier to handle when i’m exhausted. diabetes is a 24 hour job, but luckily my capricorn moon makes me addicted to working on nights and weekends! i also want to thank everyone who reads this substack – this blog has been a major source of catharsis and fun for me as i navigate how living life as a type 1 diabetic. it makes me so happy to see who has subscribed and when i get compliments here or IRL. i also would be remiss if i did not thank the paid subscribers here – all subscriber fees from this substack go to charity – Life for a Child helps children get access to diabetes care and supplies like insulin, CGMS, etc. Even if you don’t want to do a paid subscription here, please consider donating on their site!
next post were back to our usual programming – being hot and fun and full of food and martinis! i also have some travel and a birthday coming up , so I can’t wait to share the happier and more exciting things on the horizon!
here’s a song for optimism! thanks for sticking around! big kiss!
xx
<333
You’re doing amazing!!